Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
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Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick