Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
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I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER