“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
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Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?