I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
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I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
when u come home smelling like another dog
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Seems legit
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.