*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
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A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no