If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
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Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.