Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
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I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
I ate everything, including the H.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Happy Thanksgiving
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Sing it!
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.