Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
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🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.