Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
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ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed