If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
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Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
all bases covered
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.