Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
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me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.