*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
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“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month