Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
You Might Also Like
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Breaking news:
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun