Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
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Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
WHY would you be happy about this?
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.