relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
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“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”