Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
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Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what