Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
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doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
No, he would not have.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
*cough*
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace