“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
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I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so itâs 3 v 1 but if you lose, youâre eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: maâam, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…đđžđ
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
they should invent a rest for the wicked
âCompassionate capitalismâ is when they use phrases like âI see you, I hear you, I feel youâ before they begin the wage theft
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i donât make long-term plans in case of the rapture
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
yeah iâm a bit of a rebel
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?