me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
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[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A