[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
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I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Genius idea!!
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.