I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
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[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
This hospital has everything
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories