Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
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TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*