my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
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Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*