Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
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OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
🤣could you imagine
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie