Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
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I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
📽️movie date🎞️
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.