I weigh at least 17 squirrels
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I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit