*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
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My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
The glory of fall.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
I got soap in my shower beer again.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm