Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
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“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
When he asks for feet pics
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”