Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
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My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.