Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
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Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?