Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
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Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
I love the National Park Service.