10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
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sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.