*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
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beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.