my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
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WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
another case of gang violins
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
My neck my back my allergy attack
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
#Caturday
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.