My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
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judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.