(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
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8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
live long and prosper!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.