I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
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You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.