ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
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Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Cucumbers Anonymous
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
LMAO
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff