God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
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[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON