“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
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It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay