Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
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handsome & gretel
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
a god among men
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.