I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
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[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Me when my alarm goes off
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car