Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
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Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.