Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
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Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
when nothing goes right… go left
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers