[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
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Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES