Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
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It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film