Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
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I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily