My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
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“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
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I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead