I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
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me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
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[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.