[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
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[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*